The glimmer from the past leads and sustains to the unpredictable future.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve felt especially attached to seasons of transition. I have this need to write in order to archive times that feel in flux. When I was young, I used my journals as a way to creatively control my circumstances. I would do this by adapting my handwriting to represent the unfamiliarity in my life. Sometimes I still find my hand wander in new ways across the page.
Pill 1. Multi-Vitamin - Basic Nutrition
Pill 2. B Complex - Helps Stress
Pill 3. Omega Complete - Helps Joint Inflammation and Skin and Hair
PilL 4. B-12 - Doctors orders because it was low in blood tests
Pill 5. 5HTP - Helps mood
Pill 6. Black Cohosh- - Balances Hormones
Pill 7. Folic Acid - Good for inflammation
Pill 8. Vitimin D - Healthy Bones and Doctors orders because it was low in blood tests
Pill 9. Asidophilus - Helps digestion.
Toilet paper orientation is important. I prefer my toilet paper to go over rather than under.
Sometimes I feel powerful because I'm able to eat a burger. I feel like I'm controlling my mind by eating something I would never allow myself to.
I rip the skin surrounding my fingernails. When I'm waiting in my doctor's examining room, when I'm waiting on my counseling appointment to begin, I quietly rip and bleed.
I developed an obsession with wrinkles in clothes that does not allow me to step out of my house without ironing them to perfection. Sometimes I even find myself not wearing a seat belt just so the fabrics on me look absolutely flawless.
I feel that my life is a little out of my control and aligning the hangers in my closet is a way to compensate for it.
I still remember the shoes that gave me this blister. Ecco Mary Janes, I believe. They were too small but for some reason a blister only formed on my right heel. And it's been with me ever since. An 8 year old blister - how sexy! I don't really know why I pick it. It's not a nervous thing, I do it when I'm relaxed and anxious. I guess I find the texture somewhat soothing or comforting. I always have and I think I always will. It's been with me through a lot of formative experiences. Maybe that's why I'm so reluctant to stop picking - it's a part of me.
Five years, four cities, moved nine times. Sense of security? Garbage bags and a backpack. Apartment horror stories? Plenty.
Throughout the most of my twenties I didn't even know I was depressed. I thought the sad, anxious person I had been, really was just who I was. I started my therapy a few years ago, and it has been a slow but gradual process of recovering who I really could be. Those pills are only chemical in the end, but have been a great help for me in this process to realize that I could, actually, change.
It is in a non sensical object where you find unity.
Only then do we truly experience the image and form,
Instantaneous emotional gratification,
concealing difficult truths.
Weight, scale, trauma, mirror, clothes, chocolate, flour, scale, self esteem, belly, exercise, endorphins, diet, carbs, sugar, saccharine, stevia, scale, ice cream, wine, cheese, light, light, light, butter, cookies, celery soup, detox juices, scale.
I wash my hands a lot.